finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
