Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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