Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
