I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
