my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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