good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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