I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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