yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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