I swear she didn't look like that last week.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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