remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
