I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
