UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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