I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
