And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
