the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
