a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
