can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
