Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
