I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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