She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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