My liver just broke up with me...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
