guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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