Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
