I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
