I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
