apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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