Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
