So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
