Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
