i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
