Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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