Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
