dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
