i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can I color on your dick again?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
