**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
