so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
