At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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