I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
