Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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