If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my being single is dangerous.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
