Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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