It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
