I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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