we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
