her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
