Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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