There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
