I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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