listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
