I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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